Considering co-sleeping
Under the right conditions, co-sleeping — sleeping in the same bed with your
baby — is not only safe but can actually reduce the risk of sudden infant death
syndrome (SIDS) and crib-related accidents.
If you decide to share your bed with your baby, keep in mind that research has
shown mothers tend to demonstrate more protective behaviors toward their babies
than fathers do during the night. In other words, it’s often best if a mother sleeps
next to her baby because mothers tend to be more aware (even in their sleep) of
their babies’ movements.
Here are some more safety tips to make co-sleeping work for you:
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Use a firm mattress, and don’t use a fluffy comforter or pillows.
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Never, ever smoke in bed.
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Do not sleep with your baby if you use sleeping medication or are under the
influence of drugs or alcohol.
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Do not sleep with your baby if you are sleep-deprived.
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If you want to co-sleep but are uncomfortable sleeping with your infant in bed
with you, purchase a co-sleeper or three-sided crib that can act as a sidecar.
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Use guardrails on your bed, and/or place your mattress on the floor.
There are many benefits to sleeping in the same bed with your baby. For one, if you
are a nursing mother, you will get more sleep (a big plus) because you won’t have
to get up to breastfeed. Here are some others:
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Your breathing regulates your baby’s breathing. Because your baby hears you
breathe, it reminds him to breathe (which helps reduce the risk of SIDS). Plus,
babies spend less time in deep sleep when they co-sleep due to mom’s move-
ments during the night. (Deep sleep can be dangerous for babies at risk for SIDS.)
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Babies sleep better, too. Because they do not have to cry to get their mothers’
attention for feedings, they don’t fully wake up, and they fall back asleep faster.
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Co-sleeping fosters attachment (which we discuss in Chapter 1).
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Your baby continues to receive comfort and nurturing from you throughout the
night.What’s next? Relieving boredom
Babies need to play. Play activities help to stimulate and rescue
them from long, boring days of nursing and sleeping.
You may find your baby’s demands for stimulation exhausting, but
remember: At this age her needs and wants are the same. Your
baby does not know how to ask for something that is more than
she needs.
At this age, your baby is stimulated by objects that are slightly dif-
ferent than those she is familiar with (such as a teething ring of a
different color than her other ones). Introducing something new
and unfamiliar is fairly easy to accomplish.
From 3 to 6 months, babies are fascinated by people’s faces. They
love to watch people’s expressions and body language. Your baby
is beginning to notice that there is a world outside of her relation-
ship with you.
Chapter 3: Getting to Know Your Baby Better 39
Good enough parenting
Thankfully, you don’t have to be perfect to be a good parent. You just have to be
“good enough.” In fact, it’s good for both you and your partner to provide just enough
frustration for your baby to learn that he has to ask for what he needs, and that all
his needs are not going to be met.
But you don’t have to force the matter, either. Try not to create situations where your
baby’s needs won’t be met; these situations occur naturally. For example, your baby
may need to be held now! but you are stuck in rush hour traffic and can’t pull over.
You can try to soothe him by talking to him, but he will have to wait and bear the
frustration of not being held when he needs to. You will probably feel guilty or pained
by his frustration, but keep in mind that you are helping him grow and tolerate
frustration by being nurturing and sensitive.Look out! Gaining mobility
By 6 months, most babies have the neuromuscular control to be
able to get into a sitting position by themselves. However, balanc-
ing their bodies in a sitting position is still an issue, so many topple
over until they gain full control. Around the same time that they
are perfecting sitting up, babies begin to practice crawling.
Babies vary greatly in their development during this age range:
Some babies begin to pull themselves up and stand before they
even begin to crawl. At almost 6 months, your coauthor Joanne’s
daughter crawled on her back by arching her back, lifting her
pelvis, and propelling herself across the floor. Babies thoroughly
enjoy the newfound freedom of movement!
Chapter 3: Getting to Know Your Baby Better 41
Person permanence
Your baby is not able to hold a mental image of you in her mind until around 12 to 18
months. Until that age range, babies are not cognitively able to understand that you
exist if they can’t see you.
Keep this in mind when your child is experiencing separation anxiety. What triggers
the anxiety is a lack of understanding why or where you have gone, which creates
a feeling of loss for babies who are not yet autonomous (independent) at this stage.
It’s not that your baby thinks you won’t come back when you leave for a while; she
simply doesn’t have the ability to put together the concept that you will be back later.
Every time that you leave and come back reinforces person permanence. Your baby
will not be completely comfortable being separate from you until age 3, which is
when most children begin nursery school.Understanding separation anxiety:
It’s a two-way street
One day you may try to drop off your 9-month-old at the babysit-
ter’s, and as you start to leave, your baby will turn to you, grab
your leg, and start screaming. You’ll probably feel terrible about
leaving her, knowing that you have to go to work, and uncertain
why she is so upset because she has never reacted this way before.
Unless your baby is having a premonition that you are about to
leave her with the babysitter from hell, chances are that you and
she are both experiencing separation anxiety. (See the sidebar
“Person permanence” for more information about this normal
developmental stage.)
Before the first episode of separation anxiety occurs, you may notice
that your baby becomes more and more affectionate with you and
begins to realize when you leave the room. These are signs that the
separation process is beginning. Not until your baby experiences
distress at your absence does it really become a problem for both
of you.
How you handle the separation can make all the difference in how
your baby responds. Be sure to make all “bye-byes” feel positive to
your baby by smiling and showing happy body language when you
leave, not just when you come back.
If you need to leave your baby with a sitter, be sure to find a nur-
turing and warm caretaker who can best substitute for you in your
absence. Don’t switch sitters frequently; let your baby form an
attachment with a consistent caretaker.